|
|
|
|
| Lost
In The Land of Tech-NO-logic Updating to a new computer, like moving, should be done every three years — or never! I am moving from the dark ages of iMac to Mac book with LEOPARD! I will be the first to admit I know nothing about how a computer works (as the title indicates). This little gem of a machine has a row of cute icons at the bottom of my screen and when I set my cursor on them, they do a little dance for me. However when I click on them — they present empty space. What? All these promising applications and they have nothing to offer me. “Okay,” I tell it, “your slogan is ‘We’re user friendly.’ So, Me user, get friendly.” At this point, I whip out the little instruction book. And I do mean “little.” It is about four and a half inches square which convinces me that the whole rig was made by twelve inch elves with everything in proportion to them — not to Me-user. With the aid of my trusty magnifying glass, I read the great news. I am supposed to fill up those wonderful gift boxes with my itunes, my photos, my address list. Oh! Here’s one, Garage Band. I can compose music and it will play it back to me. Sure. Let’s try some e-mail on my super-wonderful wireless, speedy system. Duh! It will not let me in without my password. Hmm. It does not like any one of the four I try and I have no idea what it wants. It gives me a hint. That confuses me more. After four trips to Red River office where Lisa shows me all sorts of tricks I can do with my mail program and insists it is now working. It still does not like me. Finally the #&*%! who installed the system returns and discovers he forgot to press the “keychain” button. Ah! Now something works. I am lulled into the feeling of success and spend days playing with it. Time to work on a submission for the writers group meeting. The hysteria that follows is not pretty. Sandy, my sweet, lovable dog, spends a week under or behind any available object, cowering from my verbal anger. The blasted machine lists my documents. They are all there, but when I click on them to open, I get this dialogue box that gives all sorts of specifics about this item, but it will not open it. I am now reduced to believing I am truly “techimpaired” and will never be able to enjoy my beautiful computer and will probably never write another story. Time out for a first class breakdown relieved only by an e-mail from Jenny about our planned trip in May. I must regain my sanity for that and it will probably take that long. I give up and run to the library where I find two of Laurie King’s latest novels about Sherlock Holmes and his now wife, Mary Russell. Lost In The Land of Tech-No-logic Part 2 -(Two weeks later) The path from lo-tech to hi-tech is booby-trapped with pitfalls, deep rabbit holes and assorted gotchas, all guaranteed to produce knocks, bruises and punctures. I win one battle and another lurks just behind the next button. Obviously, I learned to produce a short article, edit and print it (see last submission.) Some of you have been blessed with an e-mail or two. Second victory. Time to try something bold and dangerous. Our Mac computer club offered a session on personalizing your address book and creating folders for special groups. Great! Now I will finally learn how to send an e-mail, joke or video to all of you — with one stroke. Don’t hold your breath. Our leader was five steps ahead of me — by the time I figured out step two, she was on step six. I went home a gibbering idiot, angry at myself and wondering where I strayed off the path to enlightenment. (Rabbit hole?) If you are reading this, you will notice I have not been demoted to Remedial Tech-no-no. But be warned — before I see you again, I will have attended my first class at MCC in Living with iLife. (I thought it was High Life!) Ah, well, maybe I can get a story for the “Unprepared For Adventure” assignment. 'Til then (rats! I just lost my M dash key!!! And my spacer jumped!!! Goodbye..... But I found — !!!! Lost In The Land of Tech-No-Logic Part 3 — Misery and misfortune continues to dog my path. In fact it has dumped me into the wash -- arroyo, not laundry. Laundry I know. I arrived for class all bright and ready to learn this iLife business. The first class was iTunes. Wow! Now that I have a system with sound and the latest in Quick Time — I’ll be able to enjoy music and videos, even movies, they tell me. Problem #1 — The machine school’s I chose (note that — I chose it,) faced the screen —became a problem when the instructor pulled down another, bigger screen to my right. So I sat with my neck objecting to head being twisted for two hours. Now I noticed that my screen was blue. Everyone else had all sorts of goodies on theirs. “How did you get there,” I asked my neighbor. Three kind souls proceeded to show the poor stupid student how to enter the program. Ha! Ha! They couldn’t do it either. But, the joke was on me. Nobody could, including our kind instructor. I now have ... Problem #2. For forty-five minutes I tried every suggestion tossed at me — blue screen prevailed. If I had not carpooled with Tucker, I would have left — and had a tantrum in the parking lot. Finally, someone decided the nasty daytime student had locked the system and some wizard in the class poked, pushed and toggled a bunch of buttons and Lo! I had the first page. Of course, the rest of the class was on page ten. I bumbled through the rest of the class, trying to get up to date and still pay attention to what was being said. believe me, a lot was being said — questions and answers flew all around me. None lit on my lo-tech brain. Finally, I managed to locate a podcast that I knew (bless you Grammar Girl.) I also managed to insert and play a CD that our kind instructor passed around. Wow! Dave Brubeck. Yeah, I want this music. I quickly mastered making a playlist and burning a new CD. Now, I could go home and import this to my personal computer and do my homework. If I had had my loverly Macbook to work with in class, I would not have suffered. I know how to turn it on! It’s The F Key, Stupid! I’m still stuck in the land of Tech-No-Logic. This time, I set up all ready to listen to my favorite music, which I had learned to download into my iTunes, and see what scintillating topic I can come up with for my next submission. Choosing some Kenny G, I waited for those mellow tones. And I waited. The little thingamajig at the top of the page indicated that it was playing, but I heard nada. Oops, I must need my earphones. Connected, easy as cake. Hmm, still no sound. Time to pull out the handy-dandy little help book — and the magnifier. Just as I was about to declare I could not do my homework because of blindness, I discovered a new illustration plate I had not yet perused. The F keys, the top row of keys on the keyboard. Magnifier please! Oh! F3, F4 and F5 have this tiny icon which I suppose is a speaker. When did speakers last look like that? On the RCA ad with the dog. The booklet says F3 is used to make the sound come through built-in speakers and headphones. I get brave and click on it. Voila! The music she comes through loud and clear. F4 and 5 regulate volume. Time out to celebrate my major victory over machine. Now I have music, but what was it I intended to do. Hmm, while I’m waiting for the memory tapes to go off in my head, I will play with some ideas for my next submiss . . . Oh, yes. That’s what I planned to do. What tidbit can I pop off that will show how brilliantly I am overcoming my total lack of education in Modern Technology for the Handicapped. What else, but my most recent victory over the boys at Apple. Nya, nya — I found the F keys. Down to business. I’ll just pop up a new page and get to work. Appleworks 6? Where are you? Okay, try hard drive. Nope. Applications? Nope. Try recent applications. There it is — rats! where the ..... did it go. I do not like the message that is showing. It did this last week and my guru spent half an hour helping me find it. Now it’s gone again and I cannot remember how we found it. *#%@$^* I’m gonna go finish that P. D. James book. That gal can really write — but she didn’t have to fight a blasted computer. Tune in next time and see what new rabbit hole I have discovered. The end is near..... More from the Land of Tech-No-Logic Warning!! This Is An Experiment....... .............and you are the guinea pig. I have surrendered to the powers that be at Apple HQ. They refuse to accept my documents (stories) in Appleworks WP which I have used, happily, for 20+ years. They are ramming “Pages” down my throat — or up my .... I have read their teensy “Getting Started with iWorks” tome till I am near blind. I have watched and listened to their pathetic Tutorial video with the dude who talks gobbledegook like a politician — only faster. Then I found (don’t ask how, I forget the pathway) a 295 page Manual which I am invited to print out. After two days of skimming, studying and plotting, I printed out the table of contents and 60 pages of How To’s that apply to WP and Me. No more trusting to faulty memory! If you can read this — I have mastered PAGES — the best thing since the delete and undo typing keys. Having written this far, I am hoping to produce the above material. I am stalking the alluring, elusive Leopard and plan to subdue him, make him a sweet little puddy tat. If I do not succeed ... well, we’ll have to wait and see what happens to she who tangle with wildcat? So, Have I succeeded? I will not know until I print this out and see what I have. Next session I shall either tell you how I tamed it or got mangled in the process — or maybe I will never, ever mention the subject again. Later alligators. Marji Stamm Kilb |